Editorial

Luke De Sade's article is more amusing when I think about strip joints. The funniest people in there are the guys that are your stereotypical red-neck and act like they must've never seen a girl in all their life. I could go to a strip joint and sit there and stare at these guys all night long.

Don't get me wrong, (while I write my excuses here and sounding like I'm trying to prove I've got testicles and I'm not gay), it's not like I don't like girls. I like them. A lot. But it just seems weird that you have to spend $10, to go into a place, pay overcharged American beer and watch women that by the patron's standards are considered attractive.

I'm not the most attractive person that ever roamed around the planet, but I'm pretty sure, I could probably outperform them on stage. I have a much firmer, tigher ass. What stretch marks? And the less said about their breasts, the better. Mine may be small, but are nice and solid.

And with enough alcohol, I'm sure them patrons would be cheering too.

At one time, while a friend of mine desperately wanted to celebrate his birthday at a strip joint (and he picked the worse one -- er.. not that I would know, I was told it was), a girl we went school with years ago, showed up and started stripping. She did not notice us, and our jaws touching the floor, until my friend said "Hey! That's J.!". She quickly ran away, much to the disappointment of the patrons..

Mind you, she had grown and she looked pretty good. Especially when compared to the rest of the "exotic" dancers that dangled their meat in front of us. And that's what it felt like. A meat market.

I guess it's better than going to Chucky Cheese, were my friend's girlfriend (after that, former), took him before that week. Still, in the end, the girl that sold us the tickets at the entrace was more attractive, dressed, than the ones performing, undressed.

I don't blame the stripper, though. Her job probably pays better than, say, new media design. I've seen really good and qualified people getting paid less than they were worth. "Industry standards" I'm told.

Thing is, I like naked girls. Don't we all? But I like it better when it's just you and me, baby, there aren't 30 freakin' rednecks screaming "TAKE IT ALL OFF!!" (why, isn't what they do here?) and "YEAH BABY YEAH!" as if that made them do it faster. And I don't like women that have gigantic scars under their nipples (you know, silicone). Maybe I'm just weird, but I guess I like water-and-soap girls.

I remember, that night, I ended up staying at the strip joint because it seemed like they were all having a great time. I was also not drinking and the only one with a car.

I sat there staring at an horrible porno that was playing on a tiny monitor accross the room. One girl, 20 guys. The girl must've been in her late 50s. Still, she was better looking than what we had on stage. The funny thing, everyone was cheering.

When the night was over, a couple of the guys commented on how the girl on the video was doing 20 guys, first sucking them and then kissing them. They wouldn't have kissed her.

Glad to see I wasn't the only bored one.

IGNORE the HYPE pollutes our minds:

Hey Leo,

Enjoyed the issue. Loved Jason's anti-religion lines. Reminds me of one I've used in the past. When I shared a house with a friend years ago we always had religious types pounding on our door - always early Saturday mornings it seemed. So one particular Saturday morning when they pounded on the door (we had been up all night abusing various substances and were in basically fucked-up conditions) I answered it and had a conversation something like:

God-ites: "Good morning, we're from the Jehova's Witness and..." Me: (interrupting them) "I'm a witness. Jehova did it." sound of heavy front door slamming in their face.

My friend was laughing hysterically and the God-ites left and never returned to our house again. I miss them. Now I only have a fundaMENTAList Islamic sister-in-law to bait. But even she won't talk to me 'cause I'm the anti-christ she says. I like that.

Regards, Neil

Luke de Sade, despite his not liking girls, writes back to Ange's praises:

Angie writes:

"i was thrilled to read about "Luke De Sade"'s endurance...2 hours and still didn't come....but too bad he's grossed out so easily by our girl-juice. ... he sounded like fun for a bit (yeah i know he's too young for me, i'll relax now)"

Yeah, baby! I'm the man! I'm the whole F'N man! You know, Angie, Stamina's my middle name. Now I'll leave you alone with your Luke de Sade fantasies.

Just so you all know, I'm working on the grossing out part. Not having much luck, but getting there.

"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change."

--Donatien-Alphonse-Francois de Sade

And lastly, Jay Lohner, spanks my bullocks in a frenzy of dikplay:

Heya Leandro. Been a long time since I've heard from you or sent anything to you, but I figured, what with you all having enough time and energy to change the format of CoN in the future, then all of your whining about your hectic schedule and lifestyle was nothing but B.S. You had me going for awhile though, and in my case it worked (I'm so gullible).

OK, so you guys are unhappy because your readers are content to sit back and let you run the show without bitching and complaining? God, what whiners you are! Or, was this a feeble attempt at fishing for praise of the hard work and effort you so obviously put into your product? Seriously, the last couple of issues where much better than they had been for awhile, and I'm glad someone decided to climb back up on that horse. I am concerned, however, about a couple of things. Are you having problems getting submissions? Not just feedback? You seemed to borrow pretty heavily from that blindwino guy, which is ok, because his stuff is good. Either way, you asked for it.

I'm sorry, but what the fuck was up with that de Sade guy? I don't usually attack people, and in general think that I'm a pretty easy going guy. I root for the underdog, have empathy for the less fortunate, and pretty much believe you reap what you sow......but how could you guys print what this guy had to say? Perhaps I'm showing a bit of my anal retentiveness, but this guy is a moron. I got D's in High school English, and that was over 20 years ago, but I still understand the basics.

Examples:

"I'm one of those people that can either have sex or don't have sex."

"We were there up until 4 a.m. in the morning."

"So off we went, drunk as hell, and (my two friends who were with me) horny as dogs."

"I tell you all these because what I'm about to tell you guys will freak some people out."

Those is some of the least most worst ones. I don't know, maybe I just don't understand exactly what your policies are in regards to the things that people submit to you, but this guy came off as a sick little Narcissistic jerk moron, that can't possibly have anything interesting to say. Let alone print. But maybe that was your point.

Perhaps I can help Mr. de Sade figure out what he can spend that 10 bucks on.

1.Psychiatric treatment. His obvious fear of bodily fluids is a dead giveaway that he is heading toward a bad case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. 2.Analysis. Love is good. Love of one's self is good. This guy loves himself WAY too much. 3.A spellchecker 4.Remedial English courses 5.A personality 6.A gun. So he can shoot himself and spare us from any more of his drivel. 7.A gun See # 6 8.A gun Did I mention that I think he should kill himself? 9.Suzy the love doll. No more vaginal fluids! Just his own gross, disgusting, sick, smelly, slimy, semen. 10.Some hand lotion. See # 9

As for Angie, the woman that wrote about how impressed she was by his staying power, tell her to drop me a line ANYTIME she's interested in fucking someone who only does it because their friends goaded them into it, thinks she's ugly, is conceited, doesn't have a dime, and is bored by the whole thing. Hell, I'll bet you if I properly applied all of the above conditions I could fuck her for 4 hours without coming. And I'm older than he is. And I like pussy juice. But she has to have a good body.

[Editorial note: Ange does have a good body, and she doubts Jay would last four hours, much less four minutes]