Virus Alert

[Lately more than usual, I've been getting that pesky Good Times Virus Alert sent to me by cluless (albeit well meaning) newbies who honestly think they're doing the right thing by forwarding that fucker to everyone under the sun.

That combined with deliberate publicity stunt gone wrong known as Irina, we seem to have of late a thriving culture of bullshit flitting from mbox to mbox with the naive end users in a tizzy to warn us all about the next killer virus.

The Computer Underground Digest (http://www.soci.niu.edu/~cudigest/) assembled an entire issue (8.85) about the online hoax phenomena, and the following was offerred as the humerous response to the mother of all virus hoaxes (the dreaded 2400 bd modem virus).

While hardcore net vets have no doubt seen this already (years ago) I thought I'd run it here for the rest of us mere mortals who didn't have email accounts before this decade. My plan is to henceforth send this lil snippet back as a response to anyone who ever sends me a virus alert again...]

Date: 11-31-88 (24:60) Number: 32769
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
--ROBERT MORRIS III Read: (N/A)
Subj: VIRUS ALERT Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

[Lemon curry???]

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spresd of the worm:

1  Don't use the powerline.
2  Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)
3  Don't upload or download files.
4  Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
5  Don't read messages. Not even this one!
6  Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
7  Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.
8  Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.
9  Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic flui9ds of our computers can be kept pure.

---RTM III

BLAST.famy
http://www.shmooze.net/blastfamyvolume 2 ish 5
Mark Jeff or Vic, PWCs resident BOFH
December 1996
markjr@shmooze.ne