Pondering about life

The other night my girlfriend and I wanted to see A summer in la Goulette. Unfortunately it seems that the movie is very popular, and when we went to the booth to buy tickets we were told it had sold out.

Still in that "movie-watching" mood, we decided to see another movie, and ended up at the Eaton Centre. The Eaton Centre is known for having screens the size of your television screen, but we gave in because of lazyness. The movie we ended up seeing was Jerry McGuire.

The movie wasn't really anything great, although one part left me thinking afterwards. It's when Jerry (Tom Cruise) realizes that he is not really living his life. What he was doing was because of his job, and not something he wanted to do with his heart.

Life at times really does seem like a complete waste of time. All you do is work work work, come home, try to get some rest, and repeat the cycle. Add into this bills you have to pay, taxes, the daily rip-off from people as they want to feed you their bullshit. Parents that live their life and want to live yours as well. Add into this money one is saving up for university or to take that miserable tiny vacation after working for two years non-stop. You come to work and your are a nobody in the collective mass. You come home and you have to listen to the family hysteria as they drag you in their problems.

Why bother going on, at times I wonder. What do I have to look foward to in this life? Bills, taxes, pollution, abuse from people. My parents house and the mortage that will come with it, work, and a ton of other problems. I'll have to work for 40 years, sitting down, in front of this computer screen, to then retire and hope that if I have a heart attack the ambulance will come in time. Life is hell.

Already I can see everyone saying to me "life is hard" or the new favorite "life is harsh" (too many Tequila commercials?). I did not expect life to be easy. There are just too many problems, too many things to worry about and I am not always willing nor have the mental energy to worry about them.

"But problems will make you strong" I've been told. Yes, it's true. I've had some experiences in my life that made me strong. But I'm tired of having to be strong. I want to get up in the morning and worry about what to put on. Instead of rushing to work to get a lousy paycheck to barely pay the many bills I have.

The truth is probably that I am scared. Scared to fail in life. Scared to find myself holding nothing in my hands. Scared of losing in a world where if you lose, people will gladly walk on top of you. No one there to help you. Lost and alone.

I'm not exactly a pessimist, but somedays what I see around does get to me. It's at moments like these when I have to stop, take a long deep breath, stop over-thinking, and realize that I am only twenty.

Perhaps my future holds a lot more, and I don't have to stay in one place. I have someone wonderful in my life that has helped me in moments of trouble and I have friends that accept me for who I am (ie. they put up with me). I guess all I can do right now is to swallow the bitterness, and try my best to achieve something more in this life. A life away from the collectiveness, and rush hours and all the other mental abuse that deprived, frustrated people put other people through.

I just hope that now I'll be able to worry less about work and the problems that arrive in life, and dedicate myself more to the things I like and the people I love.