Not Just a Client

"I'm not only the president, I'm also a client."

Sy Sperling, President of the Hair Club for Men first uttered those words as he held a picture of his old noggin. It looked like a cueball wrapped with a raccoon's tail. Now, thanks to his company, he has a full head of nylon--I mean, hair.

Senior Sperling probably wasn't the first President to appear on TV flogging his own company's goods, but he is one of the most famous. There are dozens of them now. President's Choice has Dave promoting Memories of (insert place name here) brand (insert product here). Dave Thomas is by law required to appear in a Wendy's commercial every ten minutes of air time. And who could forget Victor Kayem, who liked his shaver so much he bought the company?

Oh, how I so want to inflict violence on all of them.

It might be my natural psychosis talking whenever I see President/CEO types appearing in their own propaganda, but oh boy do the voices in my head urging me to do unspeakable things with a Garden Weasel ever start to sound reasonable when they start opening their yaps.

I hate advertising at the best of times. I hate corporations and their officer's attempts at having an "image" even more. Do people really fall for this stuff? Do they really believe that the greying, puffy bastard talks 'straight' with us, or pretends he's your pal or some loveable wacky guy who actually works behind the counter of his Borg cubes located through North America? Or has anything approaching a human heart? I bet some of them grind up the employees to make vittles for their 800 purebred yappie dogs.

I hate the ones that try to act cute and loveable, when you just know they'd erase thousand jobs before a nice leisurely day of golf. Wendy's Dave Thomas tries this tactic. He comes on with a combination of the cuddly and a Steven Wrightish sad sack delivery. His directors do this is because like most of his kind, the man can't act. Listen to his voice, and you'll hear a 1st grader trying to tell his first knock-knock joke, only not as natural as that. It's pretty sad when a man has to work at deadpan.

And what a hard worker he is! His commercials show him behind the counter of a Wendy's, serving food. Uh-huh. I'll bet he also works the late night drive-through shifts when someone calls in sick and helps clean the grease trap.

If you don't know a grease trap is, you aren't qualified to discuss the concept of disgusting until you've been around one or worse, cleaned one (like lucky ol' me). Picture a well of grease trapped beneath the restaurant left to collect and rot for months. I'll bet disgruntled Wendy's employees fantasize about drowning cuddly, loveable Dave in their grease traps.

'Cause they are bastards. I actually know someone who knows one of those "I'm friendly on TV because I don't have your money yet or you don't work for me" president types, and he filled me in on the gory details. This particular boss guy had a dog that appeared with him in all his commercials, and was treated better than the staff. When the dog finally died, the employees all got together and threw a party.

Some of these CEOs don't do a particularly good job of representing their company either. I thought Microsoft had finally figured out that they shouldn't let Bill Gates speak on their behalf, but I was mistaken. This is a man who came in third in a personality contest when his competition was a high school vice principal and a squirrel that had been lying squashed on the highway for a week.

Ever hear him speak? Neither have I. This is because he doesn't really speak. He just mutters and stutters. During the anti-trust trial, Bill Gates gave videotaped testimony, not live. This is probably because any decent lawyer would make him tapdance to any tune they wanted if he showed up and had to work without a script.

Ever seem him improvise? There's a famous .avi showing him at a Windows 98 demo watching one of his minions trying to install a new piece of hardware. Up popped the blue screen of death before a hall of journalists. Needless to say, anyone who is acquainted with Windows has spent time staring at this screen. After the laughter and cheers died down, wily Gates quipped in a voice like the freshly castrated to the effect of "I guess that why we're not shipping Windows 98 yet." Ok Billy, so what was Windows 95's excuse?

Even with a script he's pretty impaired. Shortly after the anti-trust ruling Microsoft had him appear in a commercial trying to repair the company's image. In it, Gates states the much-used Microsoft line that the company has always done what it believes is the best thing for its clients and software, blah blah blah. Two problems here. First, Microsoft either can't or won't admit that this isn't the point. Microsoft has never been on trial for how good its products are (which is fortunate for them, because otherwise the creators of Outlook would be sentenced to sixty years without possibility of parole), but the circumstances under which they made and marketed them. The US Justice department says that they broke US laws trying to make and market them. Microsoft says "we have always done what's best for our clients."

Ok, now picture this. A prosecutor accuses you of murdering somebody in a court of law. Your defense is "I have always done what's best for my clients." That's pretty damn arrogant. But more to the point of our discussion is Bill Gates, and how he represents his company. During that commercial where he denies Microsoft's plans for global domination, he got to the "always done what's best for our clients" part and a tiny little smile that looks anything but sincere plays across his lips. I can't picture out-takes of the commercial:

Gates: We have always (snicker) done what's...hee hee hee...done what's....must keep straight face...DONE WHAT'S BEST FOR OUR CLIENTS! HAHA AHAHAHA!

Why is it that only certain companies have their upper management boast about how they personally use their products anyway? Why don't you see the CEO of Ramses Condoms saying that he liked them so much he bought the company? Or the President of Depends adult diapers saying that he's not just the President, he's also a client?

Perhaps they're just embarrassed. Or camera shy. It hardly matters. But it is worth pointing out that any CEO or President type has a vested interesting in your believing that they personally use their products. If you've ever worked in some kind of menial job, you know that even if this is true, it's utterly meaningless. The CEO was not around when that product was assembled. Now if the basic laborers use the products (and I don't mean the actors who play them on TV), then that means something. They know all the dirty secrets behind the production lines, so if they still use the product, you can bet it's safe.

There's a kind of blindness to this though. In the world of advertising, it's CEOs saying "I eat at my own restaurant so you can too, and make my stock go up." In the restaurant itself, it's managers never wanting customers to see restaurant staff eating. This is backwards, because the server knows his meal is safe. Meanwhile, the CEO is probably eating the saliva of a vengeful cook.

Jason MacIsaac liked the company so much he burned it to the ground.