Ten The Empire Strikes Back Scenes That Could Have Gone Differently

Star Wars is a cool story, but sometimes it makes you wonder about what is going on, really. I had this strange feeling especially when Darth Vader says to the Emperor "My son is here. I have felt him."

I mean, come'on, Luke is but a kid, don't go around saying that you are feeling him. All the officers would start talking behind Vader's back going "don't stand too close to him, or he's gonna feel you...".

1  What's with Vader's gadgets on his stomach? Blinking lights of
different colors.. did you ever wonder what they were for?

[VADER]  Admiral, [breathing] set a course for the Koth System [breathing]

[ADMIRAL]  Yes, Lord Vader.

[VADER]  And, Admiral, [breathing] stop playing Master Mind on my Life Support System! [breathing]

[ADMIRAL]  Sorry, Milord
[Clicks a couple of buttons on Vader's chest apparatus]

2  Darth Vader talks to the Emperor

[ADMIRAL]  Milord, the Emperor is asking to talk to you, now.

[VADER]  [breathing] Admiral, move the ship out of the asteroid field, so that we can provide a clear signal. [breathing]

[VADER in the comm chamber, moves to the comm area and bends on his knee]

[VADER]  What is thy bidding, [breathing] my master?

[SYNTH VOICE]  Thank you for calling the Emperor; I am sorry, but I cannot take your holographic image right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Your holographic image is important to us.

3  Darth Vader kills the second admiral. The poor bastard hadn't
really failed Vader, but I bet he killed him just to teach a lesson to the other officers who were making bets on when was the last time Vader got laid.

[VADER]  [breathing] You have failed me for the last time. [breathing]

[The admiral chokes, falls to the ground and dies]

[VADER]  [breathing] [breathing] Next, please!

4  Vader nominates the third admiral

[VADER]  [breathing] Don't fail me again, [breathing] Admiral.

[The officers turns, looks around]

[ADMIRAL]  Shit!

5  The Dark Side's Nest

[YODA]  That place is strong with the dark side of Force. [Pause] You must go, Luke.

[LUKE turns around]

[LUKE]  Are you nuts? Why don't *you* go in there, Kermit?

6  The Millenium Falcon disappears. The Admiral must've been shitting
his pants just about now.

[Silence, everybody looks around. The Admiral sweats. VADER looks out of the window, then turns, then looks out again]

[VADER]  [breathing] [breathing] [breathing] FUCK! [breathing] [breathing] [breathing]

[VADER goes out of the set]

7  Vader vs. Skywalker

[VADER]  The force is strong with, young Skywalker, [breathing] but you are not a Jedi yet. [breathing]

[LUKE stops.]

[LUKE]  Oh yeah? And what about you, you big Meccano? Dressed all in black with a long dark cape.. uhhhh, I'm so scared!! Look at me, I'm scared!

[VADER]  Stop it Luke. [breathing] Stop pretending you are scared of me.

[LUKE]  Oh no!! Dark Vader is so big and strong. Help me! He's coming to get me!! Uhhhh..!

8  Solo's Frozen Balls

[Princess Leia kisses Luke to show Han she doesn't care about him]

[HAN]  [To Luke]: Take it easy

[What went through his mind: <<Oh, ya fucken' little bastard....>>]

9  R2 dee two?

[R2D2] [Whistle] [Beep] [Whistle] [Double Beep] [Intense Whistle]

[Luke, Han, Chew Bacca and C3PO, all together]

[LUKE]  Yes, R2, I think you're right, we should attack from the left flank.

[HAN]  LEIA IS WHAT?

[CHEW BACCA]  UHN! BAAAAAAARK! GLOOOOOOB! [Spitting all over the place] GNUAAAAAA!

[C3PO]  You slept with the garbage can???? [Pause] What's it like?

10  The Big Finale

[LUKE's got a new hand. Everybody's happy and looks out of the window. Suddenly, a bad servomechanism noise starts going. Luke looks embarassed and tries to hide his right hand.]

[LEIA]  Luke, are you all right?

[LUKE]  Damn! My middle finger's jammed again! Shit! HEY, YOU BINHEAD OF A ROBOT, COME HERE, YOU BASTARD!