Organic Wars

Weapon designation by Rob Galkowski

Although with the departure of Emmet Stiff from his Sunday afternoon shift, caused by his sudden need to learn tap dancing, the no frill's Warfare Division has been put on hold. Nevertheless (what a strange word) I think it is still important to describe the various weapons and armours used during the no frillian Organic Wars. no frill historians will probably understand the value of this information, being an important milestone in the evolutionary understanding of the "clerk".

Here is a brief description of some of the weapons used by the clerk. This weapons are for offensive purposes and should not be confused with those used against the fight toward the evil Stench.

Cee Cee (Case Cutter) Emergency Gatling Granade (E.G.G.) TorpedO Matter-Antimatter Temporal Organic Emmitor (T.O.M.A.T.O.E.) Secret High AutoVolume Ionized Neutralizing Gun (S.H.A.V.I.N.G. Cream) Bomb Small Personal Rapid Output Unguided Trajectory (Brussel S.P.R.O.U.T) Persona Interception Emissions (P.I.E.) Generally Rotten Organic Smelly Substance (G.R.O.S.S.) Object Removal And Napalm Group Eliminator (O.R.A.N.G.E.) Anti Vessel Or Craft Armed Detonator Ommitor (A.V.O.C.A.D.O.) Laser Emmiting Mini Open-air Nailgun (L.E.M.O.N.) Self Emmiting Non Seen Object foR Tracking Army Groups(S.E.N.S.O.R.T.A.G.) Carbon Oxidated Liquid Attack (C.O.L.A.) Chemical Holding Emmitor Self Timed Neutralizing Under Threat (C.H.E.S.T.N.U.T.)

While the combact training is usually done between the Grocery and the Produce department, both sections have been known of deep military espionage. Most of the Military Produce Equipment listed above has been seized during commando operations during docking operations. Fortunately, thanks to the genius of our scientists (and lack of gray matter on the produce department) they have been unable to correctly use our C.O.L.A. containers against us. They shake the bottle and aim it at us, not realizing that the pressure and the backfire will cause the high pressure liquid to bounce on the cap and hit them instead. Here we teach a valuable lesson: you shake the bottle, and with your Cee Cee, slash accross it on the direction your friendly (but dumb) produce clerk is. This will cause the liquid from coming out at high speed and washing him down. This works great, even at far distances.

The mushrooms are another of our favorites. They are very silent weapons, although they lack accuracy at long distances because of their shape. This is where the Brussell sprouts come in handy. They are generally small, round and rather more aereodynamic than your usual organic weapon. Their incredible silence as they move through the air is what makes them such a ... stealth. Some people only realize they are under attack by Brussell sprouts after they got hit. And sprouts, at high speeds, can be very painful. In fact, they have been seen ripping through a double layered "no frill" poster. So far, the only other object that managed to do that were the boxes of tissue (150 sheets, Kleenex brand). Perhaps because of their boxy shape, some of them tend to get stuck in between the two paper layers. The boxes have the advantage of a higher hit probability, but require much more momentum because of their lightness. They are not used for offensive attacks, but usually for a tease attack.

Part 1 of Organic Warfare.