Brian Newman
| Department | Contributors |
Dear Sir or Madame,
Due to the volume of mail received, it is necessary to respond by this form letter. I hope this answers your questions and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Accordingly I, Brian Newman say to you:
_____ Thank you for your kind letter.
_____ Thank you for your misguided letter. You have the right to be heard and I suppose you should receive some credit for being so outspoken. But not from me.
_____ Thank you, and the same to you. Your comments have been passed on to the proper authorities and I have asked a certain Federal Agency to keep you under close surveillance.
_____ The information you asked for cannot be revealed at this time.
_____ I have brown hair, brown eyes and stand six feet tall. I enjoy stamp collecting, chess and opera. My favourite food is yogurt. Also carrots.
_____ I'm sorry I called you an Ignoramus. That means a 'dummy'.
_____ Yes.
_____ No.
_____ Under certain conditions.
Sincerely Yours,
Brian Newman
Articles
Dinner with Mr. Hu (Jul 18, 2005)
Getting Hitched (Jun 22, 2004)
How to Avoid Jury Duty (Jan 11, 1999)
How to Drive Home Drunk (Jun 24, 2002)
How To Get Rich (Jan 29, 2003)
How to reach Enlightenment (Mar 2, 2004)
A Letter to Santa (Dec 6, 2004)
My Arranged Marriage (May 24, 2005)
My Medium (Feb 1, 2005)
No Good Deed (Aug 23, 2005)
Santa's Answering Service (Dec 31, 2005)
The Split (Jul 21, 2004)
A Sure Cure (Oct 11, 2005)
Who Shot John F. Kennedy? (Dec 31, 2002)